Colin Firth Is Super Hot in ‘Mary Poppins Returns,’ but How Hot Is He Exactly?

There are questions we all ask ourselves while trying to figure out if we want to watch a new movie on Netflix. Did it get good reviews? Is it a quick watch? Do I have to watch a dozen other movies in its interconnected franchise in order to understand it? Me, I ask all those questions–but I also ask two more: is Colin Firth in this movie and how hot is Colin Firth in this movie?

Regarding Mary Poppins Returns, the Disney blockbuster musical that just landed on Netflix (via umbrella), those last two questions are very relevant. The other questions are less relevant, the answers being: 1. Decent enough reviews; 2. Good lord, over two hours!; 3. Just one other Mary Poppins movie and I have not seen it (I know!). But Colin Firth is in this movie and, just going off the poster, he is hot. But how hot? This burning question led me to hit “play” on Mary Poppins Returns.

As Firth is not the main character in Mary Poppins Returns (although couldn’t you just imagine him crushing it as an omnipotent childcare provider?!), I had to wait 35 minutes to see his royal Firthiness–a long 35 minutes, although if I’m going to wait to feast my eyes upon Colin Firth, I ideally want to spend that time seeing the dandy sights of 1930s London. Anyway, as soon as the characters started talking about a bank, I knew Firth had to be coming soon. The handsome gent is giving off serious villainous bank boss vibes in that Mary Poppins Poster (see above) and I had a hunch that’s where my hottie was hanging out. I was right.

There he is, William “Weatherall” Wilkins, in his pinstriped and mustachioed glory. Just going off this tiny poke out of his office door, I can tell that this is peak modern Firth. We’re 20+ years past open-flowy-shirt-period piece Firth and we’re a decade past fumbling romcom stud Firth (although one can, and should, revisit both of those eras whenever we want to). Now at the age of 58, Colin Firth is taking roles that lean into his present vibe as a distinguished (re: hot) elder-statesman (re: hottie). William Wilkins is a hot hottie, so handsome that the bank should sell posters of the dapper AF portrait he has hanging in his office.

To be perfectly honest, as if I haven’t been disturbingly frank so far, it’s the suit–more pointedly, the way Firth wears a suit. Not just this suit, but all suits. Now, Firth is hot no matter what he’s wearing. I’m also fond of a Firth in a glittery spandex disco number or casual Mediterranean vacay wear. God, Mamma Mia! is a gift, isn’t it? But Firth’s metaphorical hometown is Savile Row, and he’s a hometown hero in Mary Poppins Returns. Just look at how he sits on his desk.

Who gave him permission to sit on a desk like that at work? Okay, it’s his desk in his office in his bank, but it should be against HR policy to be that rakishly handsome in the workplace.

His demeanor through his introductory scene was so delightful that I briefly forgot how ominous his character poster was. Then I realized that it was raining outside his office window and there was absolutely no way that a director would ever frame a nice character like this.

So, Firth is devilish, handsome, and devilishly handsome in Mary Poppins Returns. He’s the bad guy. He’s the almost endearing kind of evil that you see in Disney classics. He’s mean to children, doesn’t share candy, and spends the entire movie trying to evict a family from their home for reasons that either don’t exist or I missed because I was too busy fawning over how his face wears that mustache. How bad is he? He’s so evil he also appears as a cartoon wolf!

Being the bad guy, Firth gets his comeuppance in the final act, which is visualized by his expertly groomed hair falling out of place, rendering Wilkins with a Brendan Fraser-esque tousled mane. Gotta say, it looks good him.

Finally, after spending the entire movie in the cavelike conditions of his office, our hunky antagonist steps out into the sun for a final bit of deserved humiliation (my guy can’t fly because he spent the movie trying to crush the dreams of children). Even if Wilkins isn’t redeemed, it’s just great seeing his whole look bathed in sunlight.

After spending 700+ words saying it, I have to say that it goes without saying that Firth is impossibly hot in this movie. But where does Mary Poppins Returns fall on my personal Hot Firth Ranking? I’m going to put it right near the top, right under Kingsman: The Secret Service (his hottest movie ever do not even) and in the company of The King’s Speech and A Single Man.

Mary Poppins Returns, that’s some good Firth right there.

Stream Mary Poppins Returns on Netflix