No, I swear, it’s not over. We’re just never going on another date. I promise, I’m not breaking up with you. Well did I say I’m breaking up with you? Exactly. I’m not.
No we’re not taking a break, we’re just not going to spend anymore time together. It’s not that I don’t want to see you, it’s just that I won’t. I guess we could talk to each other still. But, of course, when I say talk I mean you can leave me voicemails on my old number. I changed my phone number. I also de-friended you on Facebook. You can still send me messages though, I just won’t read them.
I don’t see what’s so hard to understand. We’re not breaking up, we’re just not staying together. I can still be your boyfriend, you just won’t technically be my “girlfriend”. And by technically, I mean you won’t be. And by boyfriend, I mean not boyfriend. I’m not your boyfriend anymore.
No, I’m not dumping you. I just am not going to be romantically involved anymore. Or involved at all. I am just no longer going to have anything to do with you. No, I’m not saying that we should see other people. But I am saying that I’m going to start. Very soon. Like right now. After I’m done dumping you.
No I’m not dumping you. I know I just said it, but I didn’t mean it. At least not literally. I am however figuratively dumping you. In the sense that I’m dumping you. As in we are no longer together. As in you need to move all your stuff out of my apartment.
No that’s not the final part of a break up. You move your things out after a break up. Which is not what this is. This is just a conversation. A simple conversation in which I tell you that I am breaking up with you. Do you get it now?
Look, we can talk about this more tonight, and by talk about this more I mean never talk again and by tonight I mean starting right now. It’s over. I’m dumping you. I want my pin back.
-DZ ’16
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