5 Tips For Teens: How To Protect Your Mental Health When You’re Breaking Up With Someone You Love And Care For
Regardless of whether you've been dating your high school sweetheart since freshman year or for a couple of months, breakups are no fun. Not only can it be hard to break the news to someone that you no longer want to be romantically involved with but losing someone you respect and care deeply about can lead to personal pain as well. Of course, people break up for a myriad of reasons and sometimes it hurts more than you thought it would to lose a boyfriend or girlfriend even if it wasn’t a healthy relationship. Contained in this article are five tips for teenagers that are thinking of breaking up with a significant other they still love and care for.
Tips to remember when ending a relationship
1. Stay firm in your decision
Once you’ve committed to a decision, it’s important to stick with it. This can be difficult as outside influences can sometimes persuade you to retract something you had already made up your mind about in the first place. This involves people you talk to about the situation as well as the partner you’re thinking about breaking up with. You might be included to reflect only on their good qualities and ignore the rough patches you had in your relationship. Be prepared to deal with feelings of regret; this is absolutely normal.
However, it’s important to talk things out with a thoughtful support system while you’re working through a breakup, as we are often poor observers of our own relationships. Your support system could be best friends, family, or trusted guidance counselors and teachers. Those closest to you often know you the most and can give advice with your well-being in mind giving them a phone call can help you to transition from your relationship to single life.
Those you confide in should listen as you process your thoughts and feelings and support you in your decision, rather than trying to convince you to change your mind. It’s important that the people you talk to don’t create a toxic environment that's only looking out for their personal interests in seeing you single or separated from your current partner.
While it's helpful if they understand the dynamic of your current relationship, it's not necessarily a requirement for helping you work through this difficult moment. The conversations you have with your support system should consist of kind, helpful words of encouragement. Their efforts should attempt to bring you peace, support, and even positive distraction during the breakup process.
2. Be honest
Once you've figured out how you'll break up with your partner, your next focus should be on remaining honest. While you may want to find the most respectful way to discuss your feelings, avoid the temptation to sugarcoat your feelings. It’s usually unhelpful to provide a false sense of hope that you may get back together in the future if you have needs that aren't being met.
If you're under the belief that you two can remain friends, this can be an easy way to cushion the blow, but it's crucial for you to mean it. This means if you're not sure if you two can remain friends, express that you'd like to, but you think spending time away is best for now or that you both need space. The more your sense of identity is individualized and not intertwined with them, the easier this may be.
It’s understandable that there may be topics you’re not comfortable being totally honest about. If you’re concerned about their reaction to anything, consider asking a trusted friend or adult to be nearby to help de-escalate any situation that grows out of control. It’s likely your partner will become upset and have some hurt feelings after this difficult conversation, but you shouldn’t put yourself in the way of any harm (physical or mental) when breaking up with someone. When you speak with your partner, it is important to prepare and not to argue, be confident that you are making your decision for the right reasons.
3. Communicate fair options
It's not uncommon for couples to have a similar circle of friends, activities, and hang-out spots; this is especially the case for teenagers and young adults whose lives can have a lot of overlapping elements. Plan ahead and prepare to discuss what you are and aren't comfortable with continuing. That may be nothing more than a friendship if you feel you will be able to stay friends. Sometimes, it can feel like you're breaking up with a whole friend group or letting go of your favorite place to loiter at. However, remember that it’s often healthy to set boundaries, even though it may feel difficult at first.
Consider what you’re willing to relinquish, if necessary. If you’re not interested in staying friends or being around them, you may need to have an additional conversation with your friends and family to withhold invitations or make separate plans. Family and friends who are involved should be considerate of your feelings, but you also should consider that they may want to spend time with mutual friends and in similar spaces.
4. Take time to heal
Just because you're the one establishing the breakup doesn't mean you're not feeling a medley of negative emotions. In deciding to end something you've held dear, it's difficult to come out entirely unscathed even if you do form a friendship with your ex. If you're feeling lonely, afraid, disappointed, or if you are hurting, you don’t have to wait, contact your trusted support system and take time to rebuild your self-image as an independent individual. This is especially important if you were on the receiving end of any emotional abuse (such as name calling) during your relationship or breakup.
Try to practice self-care, which could include various hobbies, activities, or habits you pick up to feel better. You might take long baths, read, paint, or play a sport. Taking time to be by yourself can give you time to heal. If possible, avoid jumping right into a new relationship, as it could be a rebound. If you’ve tried multiple things to get in higher spirits and still feel down, confiding in a mental health professional can be especially beneficial to your well-being.
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5. Focus on self love and mindfulness
This may include seeking the help and advice of mental health care professionals.
One thing to remember is that your decision about the relationship should be for your long-term happiness. Regardless of how you'll feel in the morning and regardless of the other person’s feelings, you need to think of what's best for the future of the two of you.
Once you've decided you’re ready to end your relationship, develop a plan that encourages you to stick to it. While you may still have strong feelings for the person, be careful not to give mixed signals. If you don't want to settle for a break or time apart, you need to clearly communicate your intentions and expectations of the breakup. It's unhelpful to give others false hope that you may eventually come back to them if you've already made up your mind that the relationship is no longer working for you.
Online therapy with BetterHelp
Teen dating and breakups can be stressful experiences. A therapist can not only help you work through the decision of breaking up with someone you love but can also provide insight into your personal needs that aren't being met in the relationship. As an individual, there will be boundaries you shouldn't relinquish and lines that you can make flexible. However, it can be difficult to figure out the balance between standing firm and providing wiggle room.
If you’re ready to seek professional help in breaking up with someone or moving forward with a new relationship, BetterHelp can match you with an online therapist. Since most people are already on the internet regularly nowadays, online therapy can be a convenient, easily available option for getting the care they need.
The efficacy of online therapy
Online therapy can help people of all ages overcome the challenges they’re facing in life. For couples, online interventions may be particularly useful if each person has a busy schedule. In one study, researchers found that online couples therapy was just as effective as traditional marriage education. Since then, many couples have found success in turning to web-based interventions for help in their relationships.
Therapist reviews
"Angela has helped me immensely in the short time we were working together. I went into this at a breaking point in my relationship and was very skeptical about therapy but with her help, I was able to better understand my wife and the situation that I am in. I understand this is the beginning and there is more work to do but the amount of stress that has been removed from my life in a short time period is unbelievable. I wish I had taken this step years ago."
Takeaway
As difficult as it may be, sometimes a breakup is what’s best for everyone involved. A breakup doesn’t have to come after a toxic or abusive relationship—it happens even among people who care for and love each other. If you or your teenager is having mental health challenges during or after a breakup, a licensed online counselor may be able to help.
Is it OK to break up with someone you love?
Yes, it is OK to break up with someone for any reason. If your relationship doesn’t meet your needs or feel the way you think it should, breaking up is an option. You don’t need to search for a reason to justify your decision; your feelings are enough. However, there are a few things to consider when thinking about breaking up.
It is likely worthwhile to spend time and seriously consider your decision if you are still on the fence about ending your relationship. Taking time to stop and think before making an emotionally charged decision is likely one of the most valuable skills you can learn. Romantic relationships cause changes in the brain that can interfere with your decision-making capabilities.
Deciding to break up with someone often involves balancing logical, rational reasons for ending the relationship with the emotions present in almost every romantic relationship. Pulling back, breathing, and assessing your options may help you feel more confident in your decision and manage difficult emotions. It can also give you time to plan how to exit your relationship and help you decide how to set boundaries moving forward.
If you love the person, and if they’ve treated you well, it may be worthwhile to consider how to break the news to them gently. Try to give them the benefit of an in-person conversation. It’s not likely that your breakup will be fun, but you can make it less painful by thinking through your approach.
How do you break up with someone you love for good?
Breaking up with someone you love is almost always a difficult experience. Love produces strong attachments between the people in the relationship; even amicable breakups are often emotionally charged. If you’ve decided breaking up is the right decision, choosing how to handle the breakup is likely the next step.
Before breaking up, you should consider taking time to think through your reasons for ending the relationship. You may wish to write them down so you can remember them after the breakup is finished. If your reasons for ending the relationship are centered around how you are treated - your partner doesn’t respect you or contribute to the relationship, for instance - it is likely best to break up quickly and focus on your feelings. If your partner hasn’t treated you well, don’t wait for them to change; exit the relationship and move on.
If you are confident that your safety and feelings will be respected during the breakup, you may wish to consider addressing your former partner's feelings with a breakup conversation to help them find closure after the relationship. Try to talk to them in person or through video chat. Tell them honestly why you are breaking up, but try to be gentle in your choice of words. Try to avoid in-depth criticism or listing your partner’s faults.
It is perfectly acceptable to end a relationship because you want to try new things, you and your partner don’t “click,” or you have needs that your partner can’t meet. You don’t need to justify your reasons for breaking up with your partner, but if you care about them, it may be worthwhile to have a discussion and give them information to help them understand why the relationship is ending.
How do I decide if I want to break up?
Deciding to break up with a romantic partner can be confusing and difficult. It is likely worthwhile to take time and calmly consider your decision. Of course, there are some significant red flags that, if present in your relationship, are clear indicators that the relationship should end. Here are some of those “absolute” red flags:
- Physical or verbal abuse, like hitting you or calling you names.
- Controlling behavior, such as preventing you from seeing friends or family.
- Constantly dismissing your concerns, needs, or desires for the relationship.
- Consistently disregarding your boundaries.
- Not respecting rules for exclusivity that you and your partner decided on at the start of the relationship.
The red flags above indicate an unhealthy relationship; you may wish to strongly consider distancing yourself from it. You can break up with the person or consider taking a break and getting some distance to think clearly. Breaking up can be more challenging when you can’t justify any major red flags in your partner’s behavior, but that doesn’t mean you must stay together.
Remember, you have a right to break up for any reason, no matter how superficial it may be. Take time to consider your feelings, but if you have an abusive partner, strongly consider planning to leave your relationship safely. Abusive behavior is unlikely to improve on its own, and trying to repair the relationship may make things worse.
What are the signs when a relationship is over?
All relationships have ups and downs, and it can sometimes be challenging to know when a relationship is experiencing a rough patch or when the love has gone completely. One partner may fight to maintain the relationship, even when it is no longer happy or beneficial for either partner. While the factors that predict a relationship’s end are different for everybody, some common themes suggest a relationship may have run its course:
- There’s no emotional connection. If you haven’t felt “in love” with your partner for a while, it’s likely time to consider a breakup, especially if you and your partner have already tried to restore your connection.
- Disagreements are the norm. If you and your partner struggle to agree on anything, it could signal the end of the relationship. Cohesive communication is important between partners, and ongoing disagreements might mean that your priorities are headed in different directions.
- You are consistently thinking about another person. It’s normal to think about occasional romantic encounters with other people; that’s typical in a healthy relationship. However, thinking about dating another person almost daily might indicate that you are ready for your current relationship to end.
- You struggle to trust your partner. Trust is essential in romantic relationships. If you or your partner feels that trust has been lacking for a while, it may indicate it’s time to move on.
Knowing when to end a relationship can be challenging. It is likely worthwhile spending time to step back and consider your decision thoroughly. If you are constantly giving more than you are getting, it’s likely a good sign that a breakup should happen. Knowing why you are breaking up, and reinforcing your convictions, may make the breakup and recovery process easier.
What are the 5 stages of a breakup?
While breakups are different for everybody, they normally include a grieving period following the relationship’s end. It may be helpful to consider the five stages of grief when thinking about a breakup recovery. The five stages are listed below:
- Denial and refusing to accept what has been lost.
- Anger at the source of grief and grieving process.
- Bargaining in an attempt to remove the source of grief.
- Depression and intense sadness while processing the loss.
- Acceptance and a willingness to move on.
It is important to note that the five stages of grief are not a rigid model. A person might skip stages, complete them out of order, and spend much more time in some stages than others. However, the five stages do illustrate some important caveats of a breakup. Grief-induced bargaining, for example, may lead a person to make promises they cannot keep to maintain the relationship.
How do you know if you're falling out of love?
Many people find it challenging to distinguish falling out of love from a rough patch in the relationship. One of the best indicators may be how consistent the feelings are. If you feel like you and your partner rarely have a meaningful connection, it likely means that your feelings for the relationship are waning.
Similarly, if you frequently imagine dating other people, you and your partner bicker constantly, or you find it hard to trust your partner, you may fall out of love. Knowing if you are falling out of love likely takes some thought and consideration. Consider setting aside time to think deeply about your feelings regarding the relationship, even if they reveal answers that may be unpleasant to think about.
Who is hurt most in a breakup?
Breakups can hurt both partners equally, but evidence suggests that the person who initiates the breakup experiences less distress than the person being broken up with. Those who initiate the breakup process have often had more time to understand their feelings and have likely had time to come to terms with their decision. If you’re thinking about initiating a breakup, you can make the process easier by holding an in-person meeting where you explain your reasoning to your partner and reinforce their positive qualities.
There are many reasons to break up with someone, and lots of those reasons may not seem like good justifications for a breakup. However, breaking up is not something you need to justify; you can break up with anyone, for any reason, at any time. If you’re breaking up with someone you still care for, you may wish to consider taking time to explain your feelings, reinforce their good qualities, and help them understand your rationale, even if you no longer love them. Remember, even if you put in effort to make the process gentler, both partners will likely feel sad for a while after the breakup.
What is the most painful part of a breakup?
For those who are on the receiving end of a breakup, the initial shock and recovery is likely the most painful part. Those who initiate a breakup often have a less painful experience initially but are still likely to go through a period of recovery and growth. The painful parts of a breakup often contribute directly to a person’s growth following a breakup, and no matter who broke up with who, both former partners are likely to experience growth following the end of their relationship.
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