When I sat down to watch the new Netflix movie The Devil All the Time, I knew Robert Pattinson was part of the ensemble cast. I didn’t really know that I was in store for yet another totally unhinged and batshit performance, in which he would take on a personality so wildly different from his own that I almost wouldn’t recognize him. While watching, it occurred to me that this man puts on a different accent for almost every role. And it seems like something that maybe the directors aren’t even asking of him, but he just does for himself because he thinks it would be fun. I mean, what does his real voice even sound like at this point? Who knows!

So I decided to take a little inventory of all his accents and rank them. But let’s be clear, I’m not ranking in terms of overall quality or accuracy. No, this is a ranking of his accents based on how much they confuse me sexually. Because some of them are so weird, so out-there, that they’re almost…a turn on? But we’ll get to those in a second. Let’s start with the least sexy.

Good Time: Connie

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Robert plays a guy from Queens who attempts to rob a bank with his brother. It goes poorly. Robert’s Queens accent, while an admirable attempt, is…not cute. He probably wasn’t trying to be cute because that’s really not the goal of the character, but either way, it’s last on the list. My apologies to the entire borough of Queens.

Twilight: Edward Cullen

For many of us, this was our first encounter with the man who would become Kristen Stewart’s ex-boyfriend. This accent is fine, but it’s the monotone for me that is patently un-hot. Thankfully, his American shtick has gotten better since then (but not his Queens accent, per the above).

The Lighthouse: Thomas Howard

Here’s Robert’s turn as an old-timey lighthouse keeper! But just imagine that voice, the same one that sounds like a New England pirate circa 150 years ago, saying something, anything, to you in bed. Nope. I reject it. But would I rather him talk to me in the same voice he used to call Bella a spider monkey? No.

The Lost City of Z: Henry Costin

Okay, full disclosure, this is one of a few movies on this list that I haven’t actually seen. But based on the trailer, we’re getting mostly run-of-the-mill-British-accent R-Patz, which is why it ranks in the middle of this list. Fairly sexy, not all that confusing. It’s just average. And yes, sexually confusing Robert facial hair could be its own story.

The Devil All the Time: Preston Teagardin

Here’s where things get dicey. In this movie, Robert plays a Southern-ish preacher, and when I first heard his version of a West Virginia accent, I gasped. And then I giggled and my face got a little red. I can’t explain it. My reaction to the way he says “delusions” might tell me why I need to go back to church. The confusion factor is what lands it here.

The Batman: Bruce Wayne, aka the titular Batman

This is another tricky one because we’ve seen only one Batman trailer, and Robert delivers two whole lines. Looks like he’s going for the gravelly, low Batman voice of mans past. I’m into it, but if I think about talking to someone with this voice in real life, it would be…so bizarre? That said, him saying “I’m vengeance” does make me feel some type of way. Not the best Robert accent, but not the worst.

Harry Potter: Cedric Diggory

Looking back, it’s pretty clear to me now that Cedric Diggory was the sexual awakening for my fourth grade self. That could be why this one ranks so high on the list. The accent is simple, classic, and very attractive. It might actually be Robert’s regular, normal-ass accent. Who knows? But 10-year-old me had no idea what hit her.

Tenet: Neil, no last name

This is another tough one because I haven’t seen the full movie, just the trailer, but based on the few lines here…I’m very much in. The accent is, IDK, upscale British? We’re getting posh. We’re getting sweater weather. We’re getting, “My family has a weekend home and it’s basically a castle.” I’d listen to this Robert read the phone book.

The King: The Dauphin

    This is, hands down, the most sexually confusing accent on the list. Here we have Robert as a French dauphin (prince) doing the absolute most with this fancy high-pitched Frenchman situation. It’s so much, but it’s also so…good. I’d like for this man to buy me a croissant and whisper French phrases into my ear while I sip an espresso. Hearing him talk in this movie reduced me to a middle-school-girl state of hysterics, and I loved every minute of it.