"What qualifies me to do this is tens of thousands of dollars of therapy," Andy Richter says of our recurring Ask a Comedian feature. "It's money well spent. There's a lot of people whose psychological journeys are a money pit, but not me. I've done lots of upkeep. I've had a lot of therapy and I believe in it strongly. It's helped me throughout my life to be better and get better." This definitely qualifies him to dole out helpful advice, although he's adamant that you should also consider professional help. "Anybody who doesn't say, 'And by the way, seek a professional,' is committing some kind of malpractice," Richter adds.
We enlisted the comedian's help this month because he has a Christmas special, Andy Richter's Home for the Holidays, premiering on Seeso December 20. The comedy special, which also stars Jon Daly and Lauren Lapkus, came from Matt Besser, who brought the idea to Richter. "It's not because I'm really into the birth of baby Jesus," he confirms. "It's because my friend asked me to. Basically it's a paycheck. A friend offered me a paycheck and I said, 'OK.'"
Richter will also be hosting a new game show, Big Fan, which premieres on ABC on January 9 and is based off a bit from Jimmy Kimmel Live! And, besides taking time to give us his advice, Richter is planning for the incoming Trump presidency. "I'll see you in the camps," he jokes (presumably). "I'm sure I'll be in one of the work camps in a few months. Check me out there."
My mom doesn't really like material possessions so I always struggle with what to get her for Christmas. Do you have any ideas? —Jane, Boulder, CO
Well, first of all, you might want to investigate whether your mother is making a clandestine judgment about your taste. She might just think you have terrible taste, and so she's like, "I don't like material things!" because she doesn't want another ugly sweater. If that's the case, try to focus on what she might actually like. But if not, I find charitable giving to be a lovely present. Find a charity that's near and dear to your mother's heart and spend whatever you might give her. If she really is the Zen altruist she's putting out there, she'll be tickled. And if she isn't, then she'll have to suffer in silence.
What the fuck do we do with a Trump presidency? —Gabby, Encino, CA
Endure is the first thing. Foment would be the second, in whatever way you can foment. People are saying "resist," but I think fomenting is better. When you resist, it seems like you're in a passive state until pushed upon, but foment means you have to actively think out, "How do we stop this shit?" It's an active resistance. People keep asking me, "How is this happening?" Well, it's happening. If we were in a movie, zombies and vampires would be showing up. So grab a stake and start vampire hunting. There's no time to waste on "Why?" or "How?" Get to work.
How do I get over FOMO (or, in other words, a fear of missing out)? I'm a neurotic college student. —Israel, Bronx, NY
You could try aversion therapy. I have a friend that quit smoking by going to a place where they made him sit in a room for three days doing forced smoking. It was absolutely repulsive. So maybe overbook yourself for three or four days in a row when you have a chance. Get yourself nice and tired of doing so much. Your couch will be there when you decide to come back to it.
What's the best way to get drunk at Christmas but also not seem drunk at the same time? —Ben, Minneapolis, MN
There's always pacing yourself. One drink, one water, one drink, one water. But that's pretty basic information. That's not special knowledge. I'm a big proponent of a sake drunk. I think a sake drunk as a particular kind of festive, good feeling, positive, up energy. I find a tequila drunk to be very sleepy. Drinking tequila makes me want to take an eight-hour nap and then wake up and have terrible diarrhea. So tequila is not festive, but sake is light and fun.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about six weeks. She's super cool and it's going really well. But she wants me to come to her parents' house for a few days over the holidays. Is it too soon or should I go? —Matthew, Fredricksburg, MD
Just go! Don't be a baby. What could possibly happen? You think they're going to indoctrinate you into a cult? Or might you just be bored? Meeting someone's parents is the kind of thing that real life is built on, not the million other distractions. The sooner you start eating grown up emotional food the healthier you'll be.
What should I get my dog for Christmas? He's really cute. —Freddie, Sacramento, CA
Raw meat. Nothing makes a dog happier than raw meat.
Can you give me three good tips on how to survive two weeks at home with my family over the holidays? —James, Franklin, TN
If you're in a warmer climate, go on lots of walks or bike rides. Take a second before you speak to think about what effect your words will have on the people around you, because your actions are the only ones you can control. When it comes to words, you can either throw water or gasoline—and if you're looking to avoid fires, water is much better than gasoline. And work for peace. That's something I always try to keep in mind.
I'm really overwhelmed every time I watch the news. It seems like insane things keep happening every day, and I don't know how to deal with it. Do you have any advice on how to process what's going on in America right now? —Lindsey, Los Angeles, CA
Read your news, don't watch your news. All news you're going to be consuming is meant to make a profit, and the news you read makes a smaller profit. However smaller the profit is the closer you're going to get to some sort of actual truth. When you watch the news on TV, you're still watching a TV show—regardless of where you're watching it. So avoid TV news, and remind yourself that they have to talk about this stuff all day long. When you talk about any one topic or event long enough it becomes noise. So read the news.
Is Santa Claus real? —Jimmy, New York, NY
No.
I lost my job recently and it really sucks. I feel like I'm unqualified for everything out there and I don't know what to do. How can I get my confidence back and find a job? —Pete, Brooklyn, NY
Figure out the things that make you feel good about yourself, whether you have a skill you're proud of or there's something you're good at or something that makes you feel glad to be alive. And find the people who make you glad to be alive. Spend as much time as you can doing those things and around those people. Avoid the things that make you feel bad. Maybe it would help to sit down and make a list of things that make you feel good and things that make you feel bad. Also: I'm a devout relativist. I can get a lot of comfort out of people who are more fucked up than me. At least you're not that guy!
My little sister got me the worst present last year. It was a Starbucks gift card for $10. I got her jewelry. How do I hint that I'd like her to try harder this year? —Jamie, Detroit, MI
This is a long shot. This is a crazy idea and it might not work—there's really no way to know other than to try it—but you could tell her. We've been given this amazing gift of communication through verbal means and you're not going to use it? Do you think she's magically going to figure it out? Tell her she's a cheap shit and to stop being a cheap shit. She knows you love her. So tell her what you want. Otherwise you're not going to get what you want.
I don't have anyone to kiss on New Year's Eve. What should I do? —Kendall, Plymouth, MA
Check Craigslist for an orgy. That's got to be a big night for orgies. And if you play your cards right, you might get more than kissed!
