I went to a 'cuddle party' with strangers: Here's what really happens

The reasons why people pay to touch each other are varied, he says. There are those who do not know how to ask for what they want, as well as men who are looking for a dress rehearsal in consent. The #MeToo era has inspired women who are looking for empowerment after experiencing touch that they did not enjoy.  “They want to experience a place where they can feel safe to say no and know that it will be respected,” Yoni says. “They can rewrite the narrative and understand that if they say no, it is going to be OK”. 

Then there are the elderly, the  disabled and those who miss touch, but not sex.

Men and women of all ages filter in to Yoni's February Cuddle Party, leaving their shoes at the door. Name tags, including preferred pronouns are affixed to t-shirts. Guests help themselves to hummus and crisps. A hand sanitizer dispenser is placed in between. News of daily coronavirus outbreaks have caused cancellations, Yoni says.   After initial chit chat, the group gathers on the airbeds, mattresses duvets and pillows Yoni has laid out, resembling a teenager’s sleepover.

Yoni shares a strict set of 12 rules. The first - and arguably the most important - is that all clothes “remain on”. Others include accepting that someone saying no is not rejection and keeping to agreements with absent partners.  

Then there are several consent exercises, which involve asking the person next to you for a kiss, being rejected, and then saying “thank you” before reversing the role. 

The main event is an hour of “free range cuddling”. Guests walk around the room asking each other if they would like a hug, and are told to say no to at least one person. They break off into groups of three and lay out a proposal for how they would like to cuddle: a foot massage or human spoon, perhaps. A popular compromise, it appears, is a human massage chain, where one person sits on the floor with another person legs straddled around them, while placing their hands on the person in front’s shoulders. More ask to join, creating a human snake of back rubbing. 

A final exercise and questions are last on the agenda, before the party comes to a close at 8pm sharp. 

Cuddle puddles like this are a common occurrence in San Francisco. Rooms dedicated to the exercise can be found at house parties and events around the world, including London. But they seem particularly poignant in a place overshadowed by sexual harassment. In recent years numerous women have come forward to tell stories of unwanted approaches from investors during a pitch meeting or harassment in the workplace, from fledgeling startups like Uber and Tinder to global corporations like Google.

In 2017, two dozen female entrepreneurs spoke about sexual harassment from high-profile investors Justin Caldbeck of Binary Capital and Dave McClure of 500 Startups.  It sparked an outpouring of confessions from women who felt uncomfortable in Silicon Valley during the noughties, an era Bloomberg journalist and author Emily Chang later coined “brotopia”. 

In 2018 it was revealed that Google had paid off executives accused of harassing junior members of staff. In 2019, Uber agreed to pay $4.4m to settle a federal investigation into its “culture of sexual harassment and retaliation against individuals who complained”.  As a remedy, Google invested in sexual harassment training, limiting bonuses if managers failed to take new assesments like videos and questionaires about employee conduct. 

“These are workshops that need to be taught in the corporate world,” Yoni says. “The ‘cover your asses’ sexual harassment video is almost worthless. It is just a band-aid on a gushing wound. [Consensual cuddling] should be taught at a younger age but we have missed that train.”

Human resources may recoil at the thought, “but if you have a massage therapist in your company,” Yoni says, “this could just be the next step”. 

While schools in the UK have banned teachers from making physical contact with pupils, Yoni says separating platonic touch from sexual desire from a young age could free people from lust or feelings of guilt and improve our relationships. “We are not ready for that. You can teach consent without touch but it is a very good method because it is something we viscerally understand."

Yoni tries to help people accept rejection but also be very frank about what they want. It is surprisingly difficult to explain what touch you like, despite it being a fundamental part of our existence. 

Further, practising rejecting people’s requests can also help define grey areas of workplace relationships, Yoni says. One of Yoni’s most important cuddle party rules includes sexual attraction. He says it is acceptable for clients to feel aroused but they cannot act on it. For obvious reasons, this is less embarrassing for women.  If attendees do feel a connection they must wait until the end of the party to approach the person and see if they might be open to meeting at a later date. 

There is no vetting, but Yoni says people looking for more than a hug tend to remove themselves from the situation when other guests do not consent to their touch, or begin to exhibit discomfort.  When grilled on what someone might do in a one-one-one session if a client made unwanted advances, he says he is left brushing off unwanted attention far less than his female colleagues. He insists that training covers how to set boundaries.

Outside San Francisco, Yoni's career is met with negativity from people who just don't get it.  “And when you don't know something, you fear it,” he says. “People will not believe that it is platonic. They think it is sexual and therefore inappropriate. And then they fear it and feel uncomfortable and have to lash out.”

But the results can be overwhelming. As guests leave the Cuddle Castle Yoni warns departees to be extra careful getting home, particularly if they are driving. The adrenaline rush is known to have a dizzying effect, he says.

Would you attend a cuddle party? Tell us why, or why not, in the comments section below.