Each week, we look at the biggest celebrity news—and amuse ourselves by imagining how those celebrities might have reacted. Join us as we trick-or-treat with Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy, go behind-the-scenes on a Kate Upton photo shoot, and check in on Adrian Grenier.

The Jonas Brothers announce their breakup.

Backstage at Good Morning America after announcing the split is happening, Kevin puts his arms around Nick and Joe.

“Kev, you’re sure this is going to work?” Joe asks.

“Yeah, I saw it on Homeland. We all pretend like we’re splitting up and get everyone believing it for a few weeks, and then suddenly it’s like, Twist! We’ve still been together all along! And everyone is excited about us again. We just need to somehow find Mandy Patinkin.”

Nick and Joe give each other a skeptical look. “I dunno,” Nick says. “C’mon, Joe, let’s go get milkshakes.”

Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy go trick-or-treating together as bearded fishermen, along with Sandra’s son Louis.

“You know,” Melissa says, as they slip into their yellow raincoats, “We could probably just film this trick-or-treating outing with a camcorder, release it in theaters tomorrow unedited, and it’d debut at #1 this weekend, no problem.”

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson meet up the day before Halloween in Los Angeles.

“Hi,” Kristen mumbles, as Rob enters. “So how’s Sean Penn’s daughter? Is she super cool and down for whatever and do you guys just listen to the new Arcade Fire album and talk about 80s punk?”

“Kristen, not now.”

“Well, I’m dating Ryan Gosling now. What do you think of that?”

“No, you aren’t.”

“Yes.” She points to the ground. “That’s his flannel shirt. He left it here.”

“Kristen, I’ve seen you wear that shirt a thousand times.”

“Yeah, I like to wear my boyfriend’s shirt, do you have a problem with that?”

Kate Upton lands the cover of Golf Digest, flanked by Arnold Palmer.

“Can we move this along?” Kate says, “I’m doing a spread for Cat Fancy at 2 p.m. with a litter of newborn kittens, and then Astronomy Magazine is having me in for an exclusive shoot at 4. You just know they're going to do everything they can to get me to pose on top of a telescope . . . Never again."

Richard Gere is courted for The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel sequel.

“But I’d be playing, like, some young caterer’s boyfriend, right? Like, they’ll get Megan Fox to play a waitress or something?”

Gere’s agent gets very interested in his pastrami sandwich.

Richard stands. “They’re not pairing me with Maggie Smith, are they?” Begins shrieking. “Marshall, look at me. WHY AREN‘T YOU LOOKING AT ME?”

Tech firm Lenovo hires Ashton Kutcher as product engineer.

“Give me a break,” Demi Moore tells Eva Longoria over salads after Soul Cycle. “Calling him a product engineer considering what he’ll actually do for them, it’s like calling me a professional chef for pouring balsamic vinegar on this salad just now.”

Pamela Anderson debuts a pixie hair cut the day before Matt Lauer dresses as her for Halloween.

“Ahhhhh!,” Pam e-mails her agent. “This is amazing. Buzz cut press, Halloween costume press. I can’t even keep up with the Google Alerts coming in! It feels like 1997, I am in heaven! Can you see if I can get in with Terry Richardson next week? Maybe book me an interview with OPRAH or something???!?!”

Her agent writes back, in all lowercase. “lets start with an Us Weekly ‘spill out the contents of your bag’ sidebar and go from there.”

The Entourage movie gets a green light.

Adrian Grenier’s girlfriend opens the door to Adrian’s apartment, where he remains splayed out on the couch, wearing skinny jeans, a fedora and a pair of Converse. He’s surrounded by PBR cans and discarded canisters of Axe Body spray. He’s been here since the show ended.

“Adrian, wake up,” his girlfriend says, shaking him. “It’s time to go back. They need you. It’s finally time.”

Last Week: Prince George’s Post-Christening Blog Entry, and Other Imagined Celebrity Connections