Duke

Some people regard "Uncle" Duke, a rabid controlled-substances buff, as "the High Lord of Inner Space." But in fact he has a long record, some of it involving public service. Few writers at Rolling Stone have been able to move on to something as substantial as Governor of American Samoa, which led to a post as Ambassador to China. Following his triumph in Peking, Mr. Duke enjoyed a brief career as a laetrile farmer. After applying for jobs as President of Yale and head of ABC News, he made a name for himself as General Manager of the Washington Redskins. His experience packing heat led him to serve as a lobbyist for the NRA, followed by some sensitive work in Iran for Universal Petroleum. After bargaining for his life before a firing squad, Mr. Duke disappeared for l7 months, then surfaced as "the 53rd hostage." Upon release he settled down as a drug smuggler in Florida, a career cut short by an ill-fated sightseeing cruise to the Falklands War. Following his rescue from Matagorda Island, Duke became entangled in Hollywood politics, the John Delorean story, and a major cocaine bust. Abruptly moving to Haiti, he opened the Baby Doc College of Offshore Medicine. Discovered more inert than usual one morning, he was pronounced dead, which led the St. Petersburg Times to run a full obituary. Fortunately it turned out that Duke was not dead, only zombified and sold into slavery. A friend noted, "Frankly, he could use the discipline." After losing his condom company to John Gotti over a bad loan, Duke took a much-deserved rest in Bellevue, returned to active duty as captain of the Trump Princess, then rescued his former translator and devoted love-slave Honey Huan from China. Tapped by George Bush to serve as Maximum Proconsul in post-invasion Panama, he moved on to smuggle guns to the Kuwaiti resistance, then opened Club Scud, a popular wartime watering hole in Kuwait City. After working on David Duke's campaign, he moved into the "nonprofit" sector, opening Nothing But Orphans. One of his first charges, according to DNA test results, was a long-lost son, Earl. Abandoning the orphans and Ms. Huan, father and son lived in a trailer in Las Vegas, pursuing the gaming arts and trafficking in stolen Beanie Babies. His stint as a key advisor to Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura led Duke to make a run at the White House. The "Duke2000 -- Whatever It Takes" campaign, headquartered in a motel in Coon Rapids, Minnesota, was a resounding failure, despite the efforts of campaign manager "Mini-D" and corporate sponsorships by heavy hitters Lipton Tea and Absolut Vodka. A successful business trafficking in stem cells was followed by a lucrative involvement in the messy fallout from the Enron scandal. As conflict with Iraq loomed, Duke made a return to government work, taking up a post as Viceroy-in-Waiting. With the war underway and the country in upheaval, Duke served as mayor of Al-Amok, surviving an assassination attempt. As Halliburton mercenaries approached the city Duke began a harrowing journey of escape that eventually took him to the Gulf Coast where he was able to scam his way to federal funds earmarked for the Katrina recovery. Shifting to legitimate concerns, Duke became a lobbyist at son Earl’s K Street firm, a boutique operation then specializing in Indian casinos. His first major score was bringing President-for-life Trff Bmzklfrpz on board as a client, with the goal of re-branding Berzerkistan. With Earl’s help, Duke later put together an Olympic team for the country. Hired by Jim Andrews to spin BP’s oil Gulf oil spill, he cut numerous radio spots as “Ragin’ Cajun Duke.” Hiring freelance liberator Red Rascal from Overkill Industries to extract Bmzklfrpz from his collapsing regime led to Duke having the former President-for-Life as a permanent houseguest, though he was finally able to get him a green card and a job as a bartender. Duke’s other clients include Syrian president Bashar Assad, aka “the client from Hell.”

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